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." Lindsay actually smiles at that, andnow Pip feels like sobbing as well.He darts in quick and puts a kiss on Lindsay's cheekbecause he doesn't know what else to say, and Lindsay reaches a hand up to threadfingers through his hair and hold him there close, so when he speaks again the wordstickle his ear."I'm getting over it, which means I'm not thinking about it, which means if youever bring it up again I'm going to kill you.I don't want to kill you, but I'm not kiddingaround.We're never going to talk about this again, is that clear?""Yeah.""I've never hated anybody in the world like I hate you.""Yeah, I know." It's hard to get the words out, because Lindsay's kissing him.Heshifts round in the chair, knowing there's no possible way to get any closer but tryinganyway, pressing against him and clutching at the collar of his t-shirt and kissing backuntil his jaw aches.It seems pretty inevitable that it's going to go a bit beyond kissingnow, after so long just existing in the same place and creeping around the thrummingtension and it's not the best they've ever had it, it's just awkward uncomfortablefumbling handjobs in tented pyjama trousers, but when Pip comes he buries his face inthe side of Lindsay's neck, in his hair, breathing his soap and whimpering his name instuttery little pleas, and knows he's never going to feel this glad to be alive again."Talk to me," he says, a long while later.Lindsay sounds sleepy, like he's beendrifting off as he plays with Pip's hair."Hmm?""I want to talk.Not even about nothing, really.Just.talk.I wanna hear yourvoice.You can read to me if you want.Read me one of your shitty boring books with nopictures if you have to, I don't care, I just wanna hear you talking.House is too quiet.Talk to me.""My mum took me to see the Clash when I was little," Lindsay says, after amoment's thought."We pretended we were going round my granny's house for theweekend so my dad wouldn't want to come, but she managed to smuggle me in backstagebecause my Uncle Terry was working on the door.My dad hated them, but my mumwould've divorced him for Joe Strummer in a second.Maybe that's why he hated them,it's nothing at all to do with how he was twice the jazz snob I am." Pip can't stop laughing not because it's funny, although it is a bit, but because he's happy, because it'ssomething new he didn't know before."Unbelievable.You do actually like the Clash, then?""I was ten years behind the rest of the country.In the eighties when all the boyshad Princess Di hair, I was still clinging on to punk.""I'm gonna piss, stop it." He pulls Lindsay's arms tight around his waist so hedoesn't giggle himself right off onto the floor."Your turn."It's a simple enough concept, older than the Bible a eye for an eye, right? Sothey take turns talking, for hours and hours, about unimportant things and things thatmatter, stuff that doesn't make much sense, old scraps of memories and half-arsed ideasfor the future."You're giving me a dead leg," Lindsay says."You can't sit on me all the time.You're not a cat." Pip can purr like one, though, so he does, rumbling and quiet andwatching Lindsay through his eyelashes to look for the moment he cracks and can't holdback his smile any more.It's a good effort, but then Pip starts nuzzling against his neck,up to his ear and all down his jawline, purring and rubbing his face against Lindsay'scheek until he feels the tremors of laughter vibrating through the stubble under his chin."I'm pretty good, though.""Yeah.Good kitten." He starts stroking Pip's hair, from the top of his head rightdown to the newly-trimmed ends, slow and firm.Pip wriggles against him, trying to askfor more without actually asking, because he knows his voice is going to have thatembarrassing desperate little squeak in it, like he's regressed to fourteen."Aren't yougonna complain about my big clumsy hand squashing your hair flat?""Don't stop it.Ever.""Ever?""Ever.I don't wanna move ever again.""What about food?""Plenty of protein right here, ain't there?"That makes him laugh again, and tug gently on Pip's hair."Don't be disgusting.Imean it, you're killing my leg.Get up.""But we're bonding.You're actually talking to me.It'll break the spell.""It'll break my back," Lindsay mutters, standing up and carrying Pip awkwardlylike a sack of coal.He dumps him down on the sofa and ends up on top of him when Pipgrabs his hand and pulls."Whoops.""Why can't you behave?" As soon as he's said it he looks troubled, like he thinksit's the wrong thing to say, like he wants to take it back.He looks down at his own handsand sighs a bit.Pip knows what he's thinking.He's good at knowing what Lindsay'sthinking, even if Lindsay believes he's a dimwit who wouldn't know empathy if itstripped him naked and sucked his cock Lindsay's thinking something melodramaticand emo like How can I tell him what to do, after what he's done? There's an answer tothis somewhere, but he's still working on excavating it and polishing it, so he doesn'tanswer at all but just slips back into where the conversation was before Lindsay calledhim a kitten and stroked his hair."Tell me something else I don't know about you."They shuffle around on the cushions trying to get comfortable while Lindsaythinks of something to say.They're not close enough, even when they end up holdinghands like teenagers.Lindsay's sitting cross-legged in the middle of the sofa and Pipsideways at one end, leaning against the arm with his legs slung over Lindsay's lap.Hestrokes the back of Lindsay's hands gently, just waiting."I've still got a Paddington," Lindsay says, very quickly like ripping off a plasterso it hurts less."Well, Mum's still got it.I'm mean about your monkey, but my mum'sstill got my Paddington.""Why ain't you got him here?""Mum adopted it, when I moved out for university.It lives on her dressing tablenow.Guarding her hairbrushes and perfume bottles, this dirty threadbare old toy fromwhen I was five.""Don't say it.""It's a toy bear.""Paddington's a he.""Alright, then.He stays with my mum.Because." He trails off, almost laughingagain."This is stupid.Let's talk about something else.""No, I wanna talk about your bear.""We just did.Tell me something I don't know about you.""Alright." He kisses the back of Lindsay's fingers and holds his hands thereagainst his mouth, searching for something good to say.It's much more difficult for him.He's told Lindsay everything already."Oh, yeah, alright.You know I said I never kissed agirl before, when we were fighting once? You remember, about that girl off holiday, andEllie?""Vaguely." There's a movement in his jaw where he's clenching his teeth, soobviously there's nothing vague about the memory at all
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