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.In fact, when a person is in a relationship thatseems so sweet and lovely, where everything they want is beingsupplied, this person may not understand why they are feelingworse, becoming weaker and more dependent, or increasinglyfrightened that the partner will go away.If the situation is weak-ening you, it s poison.On the other side, we can become involved with people andsituations that are terrifically bitter, that we don t like.Theseare painful and we want to run away.Some people in these sit-uations come to therapists asking, Why can t I be in a rela-tionship where things are normal and healthy? How come I malways being yelled at? I don t deserve treatment like that.I mgetting out of here.Building Self-WorthMost therapists will agree that their patients don t deserve bittertreatment.From a psychological point of view, sifting medicinefrom poison means finding relationships and circumstances thatare positive and feel constructive to the self.This means that theymeet the individual s personal needs and enhance their sense ofself-worth.While, on the one hand, of course, this is desirable,there is also a danger of building up false ego and pride, makinga person feel that his or her whole world revolves around receiv-ing his or her needs, separating an individual from his or her trueworth.What is implicit and not examined is that the individual ssense of personal value in these cases comes from being treatedproperly by someone else, receiving respect.They feel good aboutthemselves when they have sweet experiences in life, achievetheir goals, win the love they desire.And when they don t, orwhen they lose the love they cherish then what?Shoshanna_14_161-170 01/07/02 12:16 Page 163WHEN MEDICINE TURNS TO POISON 163These relationships that feel like medicine can be poison ifthey develop a sense of false pride, catering to a bloated, demand-ing personality who will only be satisfied by what he or she wants,and who uses others as instruments to attain its desires.The deeper question of who it is that craves this respect, maygo unattended to.The awareness that there is a larger Self withinus may become drowned out.Zen practice works differently.It dissolves false ego and prideso that the Buddha Nature can appear.Don t Yell at MeA Zen student, Maya, particularly hated to be yelled at.She woulddo anything to avoid it.So, of course, when she started practiceshe was constantly yelled at by her teacher.Whatever she did, heyelled at her for it and she cried.Then he would yell again.Finallyit became a joke.If three people were talking, the teacher wouldonly hear Maya, stop the conversation and confront her about it.When this happened often enough it finally didn t mean so muchanymore.His yelling became like a thunderstorm, not somethingpersonal directed at her.It was like a cold wind coming from thenorth.When Maya felt at home with the yelling, it stopped.At first she thought, This yelling is poison, who needs to be aroundsomething so hard and painful? This is like when we sit on the cush-ion and it hurts so much; then we get up to leave and we wonderwhy we feel so strong, so much more in command of our lives.Stuck in HoneyWhen we only run to things and people that taste and feel good,we get stuck in honey like bees.The addiction to this sweetnessin life can trap us, often we can t get out.In that case the sweet-ness turns into a different kind of poison.Shoshanna_14_161-170 01/07/02 12:16 Page 164164 ZEN MIRACLESMulla Nasrudin, in the Sufi tradition, was sitting, eating hotpeppers, and crying because each one was bitter.Then he ate thenext one and it was more bitter, then the next one.He hated it.They said to him, Why are you eating all these hot peppers?He said, I m waiting for a sweet one.That s like us, waiting for a sweet one a sweet sitting, a per-son, a situation.We re waiting for the goodness, not realizing thebitterness itself can be good.In Zen practice we do not sit andwait for a sweet chili pepper; we realize these are all hot peppersand stop longing for a sweet one.Normally, we are always dis-satisfied with whatever we re given, with where we are, with thepeople we meet.People are always complaining, Oh, he s not tallenough, not smart enough, too restless, only comes to visit forthree hours a month and then disappears. We re waiting for theperson or situation to be right, so we, too, can feel important.Zen practice says to become completely at home with the bit-ter and sweet (because that is what you, too, are).Taste both thor-oughly, and don t get indigestion.We get such indigestion withour experience we can never swallow anything.We judge it, hateit, we won t chew it up and take it down.Zazen is the process ofchewing up our experience, whatever it is, tasting it, and swal-lowing it.Very difficult, painful, and strengthening.As we do this,we may find, to our surprise, that what we thought was poison(what was hurtful and frightening) is really medicine.Somehow,it is making us well.A Fire in the KitchenMaya called Sara, another Zen student, and said, Guess whathappened? Even though I ve been quite sick for some time withterrible pain in my back, I made this holiday meal at my house
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