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.Tommy started to climb the stairs.They d been to see him, abouttwo weeks ago, all four of them.Hell, kids grew up fast.They& well,they weren t kids any more.Only Katie, and damn if she didn t look Breaking Faith 217just like Lila had at that age.And Robbie! Robbie was turning into theimage of Scott.Lila just looked beautiful.He d wanted to hug her, buthe d been scared.She d seemed strained, distant.They all had, and that hardlysurprised him& he didn t feel like he belonged to them anymore.Notreally.She d kissed his cheek with all the quick gracelessness of ateenager and looked at the floor for the rest of the time.Tommy swallowed nervously.He d found Brett s apartmenteasily, no need to write down the number.He knocked on the door andstepped back, waiting to see if there d be an answer, scoping outsomewhere he could sit and wait if not, but just as he moved to hunkerdown, a movement from behind the door caught his attention.Themoment stretched out, taut but empty, and Tommy tried not to shakeas he heard the bolt slide back.What the hell should he say? Oh my God!The words trailed off in a yelp as Brett launched at him.Tommywanted so much to look at him, but he couldn t; his eyes closed, hisface buried in Brett s neck, in the soft cotton of a shirt that smelled ofhome.Brett s arms enfolded him, and he wasn t sure that any of itcould be real.Neither of them spoke anymore except in a series of gulpingbreaths too dry to be tears and too harsh to be sighs.Tommy, holdallforgotten at his feet, held on to him, willing both his tears and his hard-on to go away.It seemed as if, before today, he d never been touched,never been held. Oh, God, Brett whispered again, breath warm on Tommy s ear.They d talked about the possibility of this; release datessometimes did get changed at the last minute, bumped up or downaccording to the complex timetabling demands of the system.Brett hadsaid that on the online support forum he d joined for prisoners familiesthey called it an oh my God moment. Tommy saw why, and hesmiled at that.Just another of the things he d never thought for asecond would happen to him.To them.He tried to pull away, to look at Brett; it was like trying to comeup for air in a rough sea heavy with waves.Brett pushed the hair off218 M.KingTommy s forehead, tucked it behind his ear.Such a small, intimategesture.His touch meant a great deal more than Tommy could putwords to. What the hell& ?Tommy shook his head wordlessly and just stared at him.Bretthad aged.They both had, he knew that, but somehow he d not noticedthose subtle changes: the beginnings of lines around his mouth andeyes, the last broadenings of his shoulders, the final thickening of legs,arms, waist&.It was as if, in all those visits, he d never really lookedat him, so busy trying to memorize everything, cling to it tight enoughto last, that he hadn t really seen the time pass.But he liked it.Brett looked like he d finally grown into himself.Tommy laughed.They both did, a damp little explosion of relief, ofawe.Brett hugged him tight again. Come in.Just& come on.The room wasn t large, and the furniture didn t match, buteverything from the physio books butting up to the spy thrillers on thebookshelf to the white-petaled coffee plant on the end table seemed tosay Brett. It felt like walking into him.Intoxicating.The door shutbehind him.Tommy took a deep breath, telling himself that it didn tmatter. I like your place, he said, feeling Brett fill the air behind him.He had no idea how it could be possible to be so aware of depthand space but it seemed he knew, down to the last molecule, whereBrett would fit in the world.His world.He felt Brett touch him, felthim move, ending beside him, waiting to see if he d take off his coat.Suddenly, every second stuck to his skin like wet sand.As if he couldhear every speck of dust falling to earth, and he almost wanted to turnand run.Tommy had thought so often of how this would be.Fantasies hadfilled the darkest parts of his nights.When he d been frustrated andhard, they would strip clothes and souls, make fierce love in thehallway.When he d been lonely and lost, he d dreamed of longembraces and tenderness.Sometimes, bruised and low, he d just triedto picture it, whether it would be awkward, desperate, tearful&.Now,the absurd terror that it wasn t real gripped him. Breaking Faith 219 Tommy? Brett stepped in front of him, concerned. Youokay? Yeah.Yeah, better than that.It s just so good to&.The first kiss silenced him.Tentatively, they held each otheruncensored, unwatched rediscovering the taste and texture of kisses,the hardness of cheekbones, the yielding places and corded muscles ofnecks and jaws, the softness of lips and cheeks.Again, Tommy wished he could get rid of the diamond cutter inhis pants.Brett chuckled as he ran his hand over it, dragging a gaspfrom Tommy even through the thick denim. Ah&.Shit! It s all right.Came prepared, huh?Tommy frowned. Didn t come here for that.Well& not&.Imean Shh. Brett rubbed his nose alongside Tommy s. It s okay.Plenty of time.You hungry? I have food.It s not meatloaf.Tommy didn t feel able to argue with a statement like that. Really? Sure.What do you want?Tommy took a minute to think of an answer& questions like thathadn t happened to him for a while. Uh&. How about grilled cheese? That sound good? Mm.Thanks.Brett gave him one last squeeze and moved off to the kitchen.Adoration welled up in Tommy had Brett known how to make thateasier? tinged with only a little worry.He could take most things, butnot Brett being careful with him, managing him.Nah.It s gonna be fine. All right.Go on, go sit down.Relax.Have you called your momyet? Or d you want me to?Tommy shrugged and shook his head, wordless andoverwhelmed.He let Brett see to things and drifted over to look out ofthe window.It overlooked the road outside, the hospital just visiblebeyond that and, further back, the purple-blue haze of mountains220 M.Kingstanding against the sky.So much space out there, Tommy realized.Ithad been easy to forget the Big Country went on for so far.He flopped gratefully onto the faded green couch and listened toBrett clattering about in the kitchen.So, bam, here s your life back, sew up the holes and get on withit.Tommy bit his lip, barely noticing Brett set the grilled cheesesandwich down in front of him.Brett frowned, watching him carefully. You coulda called me.I d a come got you.Tommy shook his head, reaching out for the sandwich.Doing sofelt odd, and he still seemed to be gliding through a world that wasn tquite the same as he remembered it being brighter colors, moresounds, sharper air but his stomach rumbled and quieted the shreds ofpanic.Warm, crispy, gooey& he bit into a little piece of heaven, eyesclosing and a small, satisfied grunt escaping him.He hadn t wanted to call anybody
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