[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
.I clamped down on my frustration and tried again.“Sorry.It's not what I was learning.It's how he taught me.He just kicked the shit out of me and I never had a chance.Not a chance in hell.All I learned was how pathetic I really am.”“You still could have let me know you were back, you know,” she said.“I don't know what I could do to help, but I could at least be there for you.”My temper flared again.I didn't want her to see me like that, and I didn't want her to see me like this.“I could have, right? You know what happened when I got back here? I threw my lunch right back up, probably three days’ worth of lunches and dinners, and then I get my mail.You want to know what the final stroke was? You want to know what I just learned? Here, let me show you the letter.” I held my hand out.The wadded up letter streaked across the room to my hand, barely missing her.I smoothed it back out and held it up.“Who's it from?” she asked.“My ex.My kind-of ex.My best friend.My ex best friend.Fuck, I don't know! You want to know what it says?” She nodded.I read:“Dear Kevin, how are you? I've been trying to talk to you, but I guess you don't go online much anymore, or check your old e-mail account.Maybe you're just blocking me.I wouldn't blame you, not after what happened.“I wanted to let you know that I moved out to California after spring semester.Yes, I moved out here for him.I had to be with him.Long distance relationships don't work! Joel was always so nice to me, I couldn't take being so far away from him.I'm working part-time for a little tech company out here and saving up money so I can get my bachelor's out here.I bet my classes will be easier here than they are for you there!“Joel's like you in a lot of ways.Did you know that? He's always so quiet, but so smart, and he knows all sorts of silly computer things just like you.He is a little temperamental, though, which isn't much like you.You were always so calm, no matter what was going on.I don't know what happened to you to get you all excited over someone like me, but I guess we all change.“I really am sorry though, and I do miss you.Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had told you yes, and Joel no.Do you really think you would have been happy with me? I'm always going to wonder about that.I'm happy with him, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier with someone who knew me just like you did.I mean, it hurts to have my closest friend for almost all of my life disappear on me.“In the end, I guess I just have to deal with the hand I was dealt, right? I hope you find a nice girl who you're happy with.I also hope you don't forget me.Maybe someday we'll run into each other again.“I put my new e-mail address on here just in case you want to talk.Please let me know how you are! I hope you get this! I miss you!”I crumpled the letter up again and tossed it across the room again.Nikki caught it and rolled it between her hands.“So how do you feel about that?” she asked.“How do I feel? I feel like I just got punched in the stomach.” I bounced a fist off my mattress.Reading the letter out loud had actually released some of the tension I was feeling.“She says she has a boyfriend out there, someone she moved out there to be with, and then in the next breath says she wonders what it would have been like to be with me instead! What the hell is that supposed to mean?”Nikki tapped the crumpled up letter against her chin.“Well, it means she's human, Kevin.We all wonder about that sort of thing.Don't you wonder what would have happened if she had said yes, too?”I couldn't argue with that, even though I wanted to.Stephanie and Nikki had so many of the same mannerisms.How many times had I seen Steph tap something against her chin when she was deep in thought? They even looked similar.Sometimes I wondered if I was only so attracted to Nikki because she reminded me so much of Steph.How shallow would that be? I kept that thought to myself.“I feel like such a screwup today.”“Why is that?”“First, all the bullshit with Shade.He knows about our practice together, you know.I don't think he really approves
[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]