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.That deep, warm voice a girl could loseherself in had just been drained of all its soul. I don t hate you, Jude, I said, staring at thedoor. I love you.That s the problem.I love you sodamn much it s unhealthy. I caught a sob that wasabout to burst from my chest. That s why I neededtime and space.That s why I can t stay here with you aminute longer. You ve had time, Luce.I ve given you yourspace, he said, the bed moaning as he stood. I veaged fifty years in three weeks time because I did mypart and stayed away from you.But now you re here.And maybe you re not here because of me, but eitherway, you couldn t stay away.He paused, and while I didn t see what wasplaying out on his face because I couldn t turn aroundand face him, I could imagine. You need more time? Fine.I can do that.I coulddo anything for you, Luce.But, please, for god s sake,just give me some hope.A tear skied down my cheek, bleeding into one ofmy bandages. Give me the smallest sliver of hope there s stillgoing to be a place for you and me on the other side ofthis.I couldn t lie to him.I couldn t hurt him.Whythese two desires couldn t fit hand-in-hand was one ofthe reasons I d concluded life wasn t fair. I won t lie to you, Jude, I whispered, choosingnot to lie to him which, by admission, made me hurthim.Now I really couldn t stay in this room any longer.Rushing towards the door, my legs feeling like theywere going to cave under me with each step, I bit backthe tears. Don t go, he whispered.His request worked on me like it d been ademand.I heard the floor groan as he walked over it,slowly coming up behind me. Stay, he asked, stopping behind me.I could feelthe warmth rolling from his chest he was so close. I can t, I said, focusing on the shiny brass of thedoorknob.It was both the gateway to my escape aswell the path to my personal hell. I know, he said, the floorboards whining as hetook one more step towards me.His chest ran againstmy back, but he didn t touch me anywhere else. Don tstay because you want to.Stay because I want you to.Damn it.My heart couldn t break one more timebefore it became impossible to fit back together. Come on, he pleaded, his heart bursting into myback, think of it as an early Christmas present.I closed my eyes. I know I m not entitled to one, but I want one.Ineed one. Jude had just enough pride not to beg, but itwas the closest I d heard him to it. Stay.And that was my undoing.The boy who mademothers cross the streets with their children when theysaw him walking down the sidewalk; the boy whodidn t have any one else; the boy I loved, begging meas he only knew how to stay with him. Okay, I said, reaching my hand behind for his.His fingers laced through mine, kneading them likethey were capable of giving him strength.Turning mearound, he lifted his hand to my face and didn t doanything but look into my eyes.Letting out the breath he d been holding captive,he folded me into his arms and Jude Ryder hugged me.He hugged me like I was everything he wanted andeverything he could never have.He hugged me withoutthe expectation of one embrace leading to somethingelse.It was the most intimate moment we d shared.Fully clothed, vertically aligned, mouths separated, andI was drowning in intimacy.As his arms started to unwind from me, I grabbedone of his hands and led him to the bed.Laying down, Ipatted the space next to me.He crawled into it, themattress rolling me around as he settled beside me.Winding my arms around him, I tucked my chin over hishead, knowing in the morning, I d have to let him go.But not now.Not tonight.It made me wish that tomorrow would nevercome. I love you, Luce, he whispered, sounding likesleep was going to find him in the next breath.I swallowed, pushing down the pain rising in mythroat. I love you, Jude.I hadn t slept this well in weeks.Three weeks tobe exact.Of course I knew what, or who, wasresponsible for the solid eight hours of sleep.Jude wasstill asleep in the exact same position as he had fallenasleep in last night, except the lines had smoothed out ofhis face.I almost kissed those parted lips before I caughtmyself.Sliding my arm from beneath him, I rolled to theside of the bed.My body was stiff, like I needed tolubricate my joints to get them to move properly.Glancing over at Jude to make sure he hadn t startledawake, I slipped my boots on and stood up.This feat hurt worse than it had last night, makingme hope I still had that trial sized bottle of pain relieversin the glove box.Giving myself to the count of three, Ilet myself look down at him.This was how I wouldchoose to remember him when my heart ached withevery beat after I left him.At peace, content as Islipped out of his life.Turning away, I moved across the room as quietlyas a stiff jointed person could.The door whined openand my adrenaline spiked as I looked back at Jude,sure he d be bursting awake.But he was asleep, enjoying a few more minutesor hours of peace before he woke up and found I dslipped out on him without a goodbye, but maybe that swhat last night had been.A goodbye.Our goodbye.Once I was down the hall, the stairs presented achallenge as each one made me feel like the muscles inmy legs were going to burst through the skin.A fewparty stragglers were decorating the couches andcarpet, but once I made it past them, I was home free.The Mazda hadn t been towed, beyond everymiracle of traffic cops everywhere, so sliding inside thedriver s seat, I turned the key over and hit the gas thenext instant.Now that I d succumbed to the inevitable,I couldn t get out of here fast enough.It was a couple miles down the road, when I hitthe first red stop light, that a folded piece of paperresting on my dash caught my attention.I kept my carclean, almost anally clean, so I knew it couldn t havebeen some random outline or class notes.Grabbing it, Iunfolded it, immediately recognizing the handwriting.I just wanted you to know I d be chasing afteryou right now, naked if need required it.Butbecause I m respecting your need for time andspace, I ll force myself to lie here in bed and pretendI m asleep.It wasn t signed, but it didn t need one.KnowingJude had some time in the night woken up, knowing I dleave him without a formal goodbye, to scribble down anote and tuck it inside my car, made me curse the dayI d let doubt enter my life.The moment, somewherealong the way, I d let doubt wedge its way between meand Jude until it had built a wall so high there was noway I could see to scale it.I clutched the note in my hand the entire drivehome.CHAPTER FOURTEENSchool was officially out for winter break
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