[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
. That s when they rereally gone.I count three long seconds of silence, and in each oneof them, Julian s heart drums against my back.I m not coldanymore.If anything, I m too hot.Our bodies are so closeskin sticking to skin, fingers entangled.His breath is on myneck. I don t know what s going on anymore, Julianwhispers. I don t understand anything.I don t know what ssupposed to happen next. You re not supposed to know, I say, and it s true: Thetunnels may be long, and twisted, and dark; but you aresupposed to go through them.More silence.Finally Julian says, I m scared.He barely whispers it; but I can feel his lips movingagainst my neck, as though the words are being spelledthere. I know, I say. Me too.I can t stay awake any longer.I m carried back andforth through time and memory, between this rain and rainsbefore it, as though climbing up and down a spiralstaircase.Julian has his arm around me, and then Alexdoes; then Raven is holding my head in her lap, and thenmy mother is singing to me. I m less scared with you, Julian says.Or maybe it isAlex who speaks, or maybe I ve only dreamed the words.IAlex who speaks, or maybe I ve only dreamed the words.Iopen my mouth to respond but find I can t speak.I mdrinking water, and then I m floating, and then there isnothing but sleep, liquid and deep.thenWe bury Blue by the river.It takes us hours to breakthrough the frozen ground and make a hole big enough toaccommodate her.We have to remove her jacket beforewe bury her.We can t afford to lose it.She feels so light aswe lower her into the ground, just like a baby bird, hollow-boned and fragile.At the last second, as we re about to cover her withdirt, Raven pushes forward, suddenly hysterical. She ll becold, she says. She ll freeze like that. Nobody wants tostop her.She strips off her sweater and slides into themakeshift grave, taking Blue in her arms and wrapping herin it.She s crying.Most of us turn away, embarrassed.OnlyLu steps forward. Blue will be okay, Raven, she says softly. The snowwill keep her warm.Raven looks up, her face wild, tear-streaked.Shescans our faces once as though struggling to rememberwho we are.Then she jerks, suddenly, to her feet, andclimbs up out of the lip of the grave.Bram steps forward and starts to shovel the dirt overBlue s body again, but Raven stops him. Leave her, Raven says.Her voice is loud andunnaturally high-pitched. Lu s right.It s going to snow anyminute.It does start to snow as we re packing up camp.Itcontinues to snow all day, as we make our way silentlythrough the woods in a long, ragged line.The cold is aconstant pain now, a fierce ache in my chest and fingersand toes, and the snow is mostly driving ice, and burns likehot ash.But I imagine that for Blue it falls more gently, andcovers her like a blanket, where it will keep her safely untilspring.nowIt s still raining in the morning.I sit up slowly.I have a wicked headache, and I m dizzy.Julian is no longer next to me.The rain is pouring throughthe grates, long, twisting gray ribbons of it, and he isstanding underneath them.His back is turned to me, and he has stripped down toa pair of faded cotton shorts he must have found when wescavenged for clothing and supplies.My breath catches inmy throat.I know I should look away, but I can t.I mtransfixed by the sight of the rain coursing over his backbroad and muscled and strong, just like Alex s was therolling landscapes of his arms and shoulders; his hair, nowdark with water; the way he tips his head back and lets therain run into his open mouth.In the Wilds, I finally got used to seeing men naked orhalf-naked.I got used to the strangeness of their bodies,the bits of curling hair on their chests, and sometimes ontheir backs and shoulders, to the broad, flat panes of theirstomachs and wings of their hipbones, arcing over thewaistband of their pants.But this is different.There is aperfect stillness to him, and in the pallid gray light he seemsto glow slightly, like a statue carved out of white rock.He is beautiful.He shakes his head a bit and water pinwheels from hishair, a glittering semicircle: Happy and unaware, he startsto hum quietly.All of a sudden I am horribly embarrassed:I m trespassing on a private moment.I clear my throatloudly.He whips around.When he sees me awake, hejumps out of the stream of water and scoops his clothes upoff the platform lip, covering himself with them. I didn t know you were awake, he says, fighting to gethis T-shirt on, even though he s soaking wet.Heaccidentally gets his head caught in an armhole and has totry again.I would laugh if he didn t look so desperate.Now that he has cleaned away the blood, I can see hisface clearly.His eyes are no longer swollen, but they areringed with deep purple bruises.The cuts on his lip andforehead are scabbing over.That s a good sign. I just woke up, I say as he finally gets his shirt on. Didyou sleep at all?Now he s wrestling with his jeans.His hair makes apattern of water spots around the neck of his T-shirt. A little, he says guiltily. I didn t mean to.I must havedropped off around five.It was already getting light. Hisjeans are on.He hauls himself up onto the platform,surprisingly graceful. Ready to move on? In a bit, I say. I d like I d like to get clean, like youdid.Under the grates. Okay. Julian nods, but doesn t move
[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]