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.“Leave.Now.” How strained his voice sounded.“Please,” I begged, “I can explain.”“Just go.”“I meant no harm, I swear it.I saw it lying there and—”He slammed the door shut, causing me to jump.James moved to his desk, sat down, and started scribbling furiously on a sheet of paper.“James,” I said, caught off guard by the way his name sounded issuing from my lips.He stiffened.Did hearing it cause him to feel something as well? He slowly put down the pencil, keeping his back toward me.“I had no right to read that.None at all.But…I liked it.The book.I mean, I can understand it.At least the parts I read.They made sense to me.”I sounded like a rambling idiot.I didn’t know how to do this.The pain in my head intensified.He finally turned to face me, and I breathed a sigh of relief.If he could look at me, face me, maybe we could talk this out.I needed to make things right.“I told you not to touch it.When I tell you to do something, you are to do it.Or have you forgotten why you’re here?”His words stilled everything inside of me.They were empty.In that moment, he sounded like every other chosen one.I bit my lip and shifted from foot to foot.It took everything in me to control myself.There were so many things I wanted to say in response.His hand reached for the book and he pulled it to him, looking down at it.For the briefest of moments, in the seconds where he didn’t think I was watching, I saw him caress the cover before he put it into a drawer.When he looked back to me I could see the man he had trained his whole life to become.If I could ignore the shaking of his hands, I might have believed that this was who he wanted to be in life.But I did see his hands shake.And I had read the notes in the margins of the books: What am I capable of? Is there life outside of this place? Do I have a soul?“I need you to leave.Go.Report to your supervisor.I’m done with you for today.”“No.”The word had slipped out of me without warning.I felt my heart beat with approval; I felt strength.Excitement.I felt a little like the me I had forgotten.“Excuse me? This isn’t some game, Tess.You can’t just go around sneaking into piano rooms and defying direct orders and expect nothing to happen.There are always consequences.Always.” James curled his hands into fists, placing them against his knees.His words sounded more like a plea than a reprimand.“So what? Are you going to report me? I can afford another slash mark,” I replied with a laugh.I could handle two slash marks.I would never do anything to earn three.“Stop.”I couldn’t.Not now.“Tell me you want me to leave.”“I already told you.”“Say it again.Say you want me to leave.”The pain in my head was getting worse.It had been a hell of a day.But I couldn’t back down.I watched as he fought with himself.But he couldn’t say the words.Instead he looked up at me and asked the question I had been asking since the morning, since forever: “What do you want?”I took a deep breath.And then I answered him.“I don’t want to be a monster, either.”“Tess,” he replied, the tone of his voice altering suddenly.“Yes.” I shut my eyes to keep the room from spinning.“You have blood on your collar.”And then everything went black.Chapter 11“Don’t touch me!” I screamed.When I came to I saw James’s hands coming toward me to help me up.I moved out of his reach, pushing myself with my feet against the floor to the edge of his bed.His jaw tensed as he stepped away from me.He took a deep breath before pulling a handkerchief from the pocket of his ridiculously formal jacket.I was mortified.Not because I’d passed out, but because I had regressed into the natural, the girl who feared to be touched by a chosen one.As if somehow I could catch their soullessness by mere physical contact.I had no idea if he had a soul.I was too busy fighting for mine.I pulled my knees to my chest and let my head fall forward.“I’m sorry.I didn’t mean to freak out.” I swallowed, took the handkerchief he offered me, and pressed it against the back of my head.“You look exhausted,” he remarked, sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall across from me.It was almost as if he wanted me to think we were equals.“I’m fine.Really, I am.I hit my head while cleaning the banisters earlier today.” I’m sure he could tell I was lying.Maybe he didn’t need a book to see a part of me.The weight of his gaze suddenly felt suffocating.“Please.Tell me something to do.I need to perform a task,” I begged quietly.“I have some clothes that need ironing.”We didn’t speak as I worked.Sometimes I felt him looking at me.How strange that a body can feel what the eyes cannot see.“I’m sorry about the mess.I’ve never been good at staying focused on one thing.I’ll start a project, and some question I have will get me going in another direction completely,” he quietly told me as I worked.In less than half an hour I was done with the task.He mumbled a thank-you and turned back to his schoolwork on his desk.I made my way to the door.My hand barely grazed the knob before his voice halted me.“You can’t go.It’s too soon.”“I thought you wanted me to?”“I don’t want you to leave.You seem so tired.Why don’t you just rest a bit?” He spoke softly.I nodded and took a seat in the chair on the other side of the room.“What are you working on?” I asked, nervous to not be occupied with work of my own.“A project for science class.We are studying the mating habits of rabbits.Completely dull and useless information.There’s no way I’ll be selected for any medical job,” he replied, pushing his book away from him.“My sister died.We buried her yesterday.” I pressed my lips together.I didn’t know why I’d spoken up and certainly could not understand why I’d spoken about this thing.“How old was she?” James asked after a long silence.“Nineteen.”He inhaled sharply.“You were sent here because of her?”“She was a silly girl.”“Silly to hope?”“Yes.” I nodded.“Silly to hope where it is impossible.”“There are rumors that certain cases have worked.”“Rumors from a people desperate to believe that God hasn’t forsaken them for science,” I spat.I couldn’t help it.I knew the anger had slipped out between my words, and I was terrified that my face betrayed it as well.Most of all I was horrified by the way my voice hissed when I said the word science.He cleared his throat.I began to tap my foot furiously on the wooden floor.The dizziness was returning.“Tess?”“Hmm,” I quietly responded.“Don’t you have any friends you can talk to? Not that I mind hearing about this.I just don’t really know what to say.I’m not…I’m not trained for this kind of thing.I will probably do more harm than good.”I offered him a small smile.“You’re doing just fine.Besides, I don’t really have any friends, so I wouldn’t know the difference.”He turned to face me, his eyes still holding the same intensity as before.“Don’t they let you have friends at the compound?”I frowned.“I choose not to.” It was one of the only choices I was allowed to make in my life, and I had made the wrong one.Maybe if I had someone to talk to, the pain would at least be bearable.I wouldn’t have to slam my head against a cement wall to keep from going mad.Maybe I would have been able to help the girl upstairs.At least I would have known what words of comfort sounded like.His brow wrinkled.“Why would you choose that?”Because I was scared.If let anyone in, they would see what I had become.“I’m not exactly a people person,” I began
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